


Necrosis

by jitterygummy



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Ending, Drugging, F/M, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, pre-TLJ, slight TFA ending AU, tags updated as plot progresses
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-31
Updated: 2018-03-05
Packaged: 2018-09-13 13:33:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 21,452
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9125872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jitterygummy/pseuds/jitterygummy
Summary: Necrosis: the disorderly death of cells after injury, infection, or cancer.The Resistance lost the battle at Starkiller Base. Refusing to join the First Order, Rey is held captive by the Knights of Ren and once again finds herself face-to-face with the monster Kylo Ren.





	1. I

One hundred twenty-three.

Rey repeated the number in her mind as she stared at the dim flickering light on the ceiling. At least, she thought it was one hundred twenty-three days since the Battle of Starkiller. Since she saw Finn motionless in the snow. She could not remember if Finn still lived.

She fashioned herself a fighter. A survivor. Nearly fifteen years on Jakku fending off other scavengers and thieves earned her that title. Too many nights with a cramped, empty stomach had forced her to learn the harsh reality of life far too quickly. She’d made a life for herself while clinging to the hope of her family’s return.

Stars, but her mind was so muddled. The only thing she was certain of was the red beam that stained her vision every time she closed her eyes.

She would give anything to be back on Jakku. The rough sand, the scathing heat, the isolation. Even at the mercy of Unkar Plutt, at least she had her freedom to choose what she scavenged and sold. She’d had her flight simulator, her hammock, and the little pilot doll. She could handle herself. She had proven that on the Starkiller Base by thwarting the infamous the monster at his own game not once but twice in a manner of hours.

But the crackling blade of Kylo Ren’s lightsaber still haunted Rey’s thoughts in the silence of night.

They’d been so close. The Resistance pilots attacked with all available firepower. The explosives were set. The _Milennium Falcon_ was ready to fly, and all they needed to do was get Han and Chewbacca out of the sieged oscillator. They would leave the dying planet, the Resistance would be safe, and the First Order would take a crippling blow to its arsenal.

Rey would go to the Resistance with Finn – _Finn,_ the only person who had ever come back for her. She had held out a new hope that Finn, Han, and Chewie could be the family she had waited for on Jakku.

The ache in her chest had not diminished even months after Han’s death. _He_ had killed the smuggler. The legend. The man who might have been a father figure to the little girl inside her that never knew one. The face framed by dark, waving hair – the face of an arrogant young man – plagued her mind’s eye.

Rey had been too busy fighting that monster to witness the breakdown of the Resistance’s barrage at the hands of the Knights of Ren. But she saw the icy planet produce the deadly beam that took millions of lives. Peaceful beings who had wanted no part in the brewing war. The members of the Resistance. All gone because of a dead sun and a streak of red.

The deadly beam that had given a beaten Kylo Ren the opportunity to take her out with the Force burned into her memory for forever.

Rey did not close her eyes much anymore. Closing her eyes meant seeing that red beam. Closing her eyes struck hopelessness in the soul that had always refused to relent.

But the First Order had won. And as the days turned into months inside the small room, Rey struggled to find the hope that had kept her going on Jakku.

 

Her stomach clenched painfully, but Rey knew it was from the lack of nutrition rather than nostalgia. The Knights of Ren had apparently been assigned guard duty over her, and each had chosen to take their annoyance at babysitting a dirty scavenger out on her in different ways. The one in charge of her now – a human man she hated more than she Unkar Plutt and Kylo Ren combined – had decided starvation was an appropriate method. Less contact that way, anyway.

Her connection to the Force – something she had thought to be a myth just six months ago – was the only thing that spared her life. She could still feel the shadow that Snoke left in her mind. She wondered if giving up on her was part of the twisted man’s – if he even was a man – plan. It likely was, but the drugs were pumped into her system every day kept her mind from focusing on that particular problem long enough to figure out the ulterior motive. Still, the fact that she was thinking about it meant the drug was wearing off again.

The thick door behind the table that held her body captive hissed, and heavy boots hit the floor. Rey kept her eyes on the ceiling and chewed on the inside of her dry mouth. If her concept of time was still correct, he was later than usual. Her mind had not been so clear in weeks.

“As a follower of the Supreme Leader, you would get the all the food you desire,” a low voice said. Rey did not detect the tell-tale sign of modulation; the man did not wear his typical helmet. “We want for nothing. Surely you must be starving.”

Rey’s tongue flicked out to lick her dry lips. She struggled for longer than she should have to croak, “You should've done your research.” She swallowed what little saliva she could muster. “This is nothing new.” She finally turned her head to face the man, examining his light brown hair and long forehead. “At least your fellow _knights_ knew that.”

A gloved hand grabbed her hair and pulled her head back. Rey shut her eyes as the man leaned close. The red beam flashed into her black vision again. “If I didn’t have other pressing matters, I would make you regret ever leaving that filthy planet.”

If Rey had been better hydrated, she would have spit in his face. “Too late.”

The grip on her hair tightened for a moment before the blow hit her face. Dear stars, that hold, that blow was too familiar. She wanted nothing more than to be away from him, but to watch him burn would help. Hot fury exploded in her chest, and the man flew back into the wall.

She heard the air leave his lungs. She sucked in several breaths and focused on the heavy restraints around her limbs. The man was already getting to his knees, and Rey gritted her teeth, imagining the restraints opening.

The durasteel popped open, and Rey had to hold onto the table to keep herself from falling.

“You little bitch,” the man growled in a gravelly voice. She heard his heavy footsteps tell her he had gotten to his feet.

Exhaustion weighed down her limbs, but her eyes darted to the closed door. It was likely locked, but a staff rested next to the door. She pushed off the restraining table and took staff.

A surprised look crossed the man’s face, and she didn't waste time swinging it at his head. He ducked and grabbed at the end of the staff, but Rey brought the other end down into his stomach. He grunted and doubled over, allowing Rey to smash the staff’s middle against his head. He collapsed to the floor, and Rey hit him again for good measure. Another hit brought blood that matted his hair. Her arms trembled from the exertion as she connected the end of the staff with his side. She raised it again but hesitated. As much as she hated her captor, she needed the energy to leave the planet. If Jakku had taught her anything, it was survival first, revenge second.

She put a hand on the wall to stabilize herself as she walked to the door, willing it to open. It did not move. She hit her hand against a pad next to it and shook her head as it remained firmly shut. Annoyance rose in her chest. She hadn’t beaten a man and pulled herself out of a kriffing drug-induced haze of four months to get stopped by a closed door. Her fury had helped her before, so she took another glance at the motionless man behind her and willed the door open. It slid open with a distinctly unsatisfying hiss.

She took off quickly down the hall, or as quickly as one could while using a staff to stabilize her trembling muscles. She peered around every corner before entering a hall, keeping herself as alert as possible in case she saw anyone in the halls or signs that she was near a spaceport or ship hanger.

 Some sort of trooper supply center like the one she’d seen on the Starkiller would be nice, but she wasn’t even sure whatever building she was in had Stormtroopers. She had only ever seen three different Knights of Ren. But she needed water. It would do her no good to die of dehydration the moment she got off whatever forsaken planet she was on.

The staff made a satisfying crack every time she hit visible holocams. She was about to take out the tenth cam when she felt a prickle of unease. She had only felt that presence once since Starkiller. It felt like another shadow, different from the one Snoke exuded, but too familiar. Before she realized it, she had turned down several corridors toward it, as if her being craved the presence of someone she knew. She stopped herself and hit another holocam with the staff.

Fifteen years on Jakku, she told herself. She couldn't get nostalgic or careless now.

She thanked any lucky stars that might still be rooting for her that she hadn't encountered someone during the fog she seemed to have slipped into. Looking around another corner, she stifled a gasp and immediately pressed herself against the wall.

The slight figure of a woman walked next to a tall, broad man. Both were cloaked in black with hoods over their heads. Rey had only seen their backs, but she pressed her hand over her mouth to stifled her heavy breathing. Slowly, she stepped in the direction she had come, hoping to find an empty room to hide in.

“I knew Nesan would slip up.” The voice made Rey jump. It wasn’t cold, but there was a razor edge to it that gave her a chill.

She turned and brought her staff up into a swing. The slight woman she'd seen caught the end of the staff and held it captive in her hand. A hood hid her face, but Rey could see too-white skin with grey markings that traveled up the woman’s neck and jaw.

Rey grabbed the staff with both hands and brought the other end up to connect it with the woman’s head. She turned with impossible speed before it made contact, ducked, and snatched the staff. Her hood dropped from her head, revealing short, silver hair and the white face of a species Rey did not know. The woman used the staff to push Rey against the wall and held it across her throat. “Nice try, but scavengers don't hold a chance against a Knight of Ren.”

“Already kicked one’s ass,” Rey panted against the staff. “Two, actually.” The pressure across her throat increased until spots danced in her vision. It could end here now. Her back throbbed from past abuse, her throat screamed for water, and the shadow wouldn’t go away from the back of her mind. She could die at the hand of the Knight and find Han in whatever afterlife there might be.

Her lungs screamed for air, and a flash of Finn crossed her mind.

No. He would be back for her. The only person that had ever come back for her would find her. If he had survived. He had already defied the odds once, even if it hadn’t ended well for her. Her fingers curled slowly, and she lifted a heavy leg to connect her foot with the woman’s crotch

She grunted in shock and staggered backwards. The staff clattered to the floor. Rey sucked in air greedily and picked up the weapon, smashing it against the woman’s back. She dropped to the floor, and Rey staggered down the hall.

Her vision slowly cleared as she pulled in more oxygen, but she confused a dark figure with the black spots still dancing in her eyes. Gloved hands wrapped around her wrists. The low voice that spoke was familiar, from a time before that red beam. “Now, is this any way to treat our guest?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do hope you enjoyed this first chapter. Thanks for reading!


	2. II

The familiar shadow vibrated in front of her. _Him._ The one who had stood by as Snoke ripped through her mind. That face that sometimes accompanied the red beam seared into her eyes. He let go of one of her wrists to push the hood back, confirming her fears. Kylo Ren.

“Don’t _touch_ me,” Rey growled up at him, bearing her teeth in an attempt to look somewhat threatening. She tugged at the hold on her wrist with all of her might, but she had lost what little weight she had put on eating in Takodana, not to mention much of her scavenger muscle mass. She suddenly became aware of the fatigue weighing her body down. Her heart pounded loudly in her chest, and dear stars, the corridor’s light was bright against the white walls.

“I was going to rotate in as her guard today, sir,” the woman’s razor voice said from somewhere behind Rey. She did not care to find out where she was as she tried prying Ren’s fingers off with her free hand.

“No need.” Ren’s dark eyes lingered on Rey’s face for a moment before they flicked over her shoulder. “I have orders for something else with her. The Supreme Leader isn’t pleased with your results.”

His kriffing fingers barely moved, and Rey caught sight of his lightsaber hilt hanging from his belt. She glanced up at his face and slowly began reaching for weapon while his eyes remained locked on the woman.

“They’re not _my_ results – “

“You were on base for the majority of the time, Karis. It wasn’t stipulated that only one of you could see her at a time.” Ren’s voice was hard with a touch of irritation that Rey had heard far too often from the other Knights of Ren. Frustration welled in the air around her.

Rey heard the woman’s footsteps approach them and slowed down her hand. Halfway there.

The woman’s voice was a low growl nearby. “You gave me orders, _Ren,_ to repair the ships damaged on Starkiller. It was a big job.”

Ren grabbed Rey’s wrist just as her fingers brushed the lightsaber hilt. He gave her an unimpressed look before looking back at the woman.  “Surely repairing ships and requisitioning new droids isn’t a skill exclusive to a Nightsister.”

A part of Rey’s mind told her that knowing what a Nightsister was might be important, but she just wanted to get out of Ren’s hold. His eyes dropped back down to her, and he moved his grip so that he was only holding her upper right arm. She tugged on this hold, too, but her erratic heartrate slowed.

Ren turned and began walking with Rey down the hall, saying over his shoulder, “Go check on Nesan. I’ll report to the Supreme Leader about this incident.”

Annoyance that was not hers panged through Rey, and she barely caught a disgruntled “yes sir” before she was tugged around a corner.

“Let go.” She was embarrassed by how hoarse her voice sounded in comparison to his. “Clearly I’m not going to be able to go anywhere.”

His hold did not yield, not that she expected it to, but she tugged again, throwing her entire – not meager, she unconvincingly told herself – weight into the pull. Ren abruptly stopped and fixed her with a hard glare. “Struggle again, and I’ll bring you back to your little guest room and let Karis take her frustration with me out on you. She is well versed in a variety of… unpleasant things that I do not believe you’ve been introduced to yet. Does that sound appealing?”

“She’d be preferable to you and that other monster.”

Ren’s eyes narrowed, and his free hand twitched next to his lightsaber. She felt a constriction around her, a presence in her mind that felt foreign and familiar all at once but it was better than the _shadow_ that lingered.

It lasted only a moment before it left, and Rey found herself yearning for it back. The shadow was still there, poisoning the back of her mind. Inking her thoughts. Ren stared at her for a moment and then turned and pressed a button on the wall behind him. “I suppose I don’t _have_ to give you something to eat if you want to be like that.”

Rey looked up at Ren, her eyes actually meeting his for the first time. The brightly lit hall painted his face in a much different light than the interrogation room she had first laid eyes on it. His brown eyes were softer – warmer – than she remembered. At least she could see now why he had worn that monstrous mask to hide the young face.

She wanted to refuse him, to deny him anything that he offered, but her stomach _hurt_. She had starved on Jakku, but she had always been able to at least get a morsel and some water every few days, even after a nasty fall that had kept her from scavenging for a week. She was sure she was only alive because the drugs had contained some sort of hydrating agent.

At her silence, Ren gave a brief nod. “I thought so.” She expected some sort of smug grin or villainous laughter or something that would reaffirm the vision of a monster she had of him in her mind. Instead, his grip on her arm eased as he pulled her onto the waiting turbolift. It was bright, brighter than the white walls of the hall they'd just left. The doors closed, and Ren let go of her arm. Rey barely felt the floor give out as they descended, and she put as much distance between herself and the tall man as possible.

Ren watched her from the corner of his eye, and Rey looked away from him, keeping her gaze on the wall. She just wanted to _sit,_ to feel fresh air through her air, the burn of a sun on her skin, the life-giving wash of water down her throat. The freedom to live as she pleased, even if that meant scavenging for the rest of her days. And she hated Kylo Ren for taking those things away from her.

The turbolift came to a stop, and Ren took her arm again. The lights were less intense in the hall he took her down than the ones before. Her legs were turning to jelly as they turned a few corners, passing the occasional inset door. She would not last a day on Jakku with her cramping stomach and weak muscles. Ren could probably give her a well-aimed punch, and she would fall to never get up again.

Her survival instincts screamed to get away from him as soon as she had enough nutrients to run. Until then, she would have to endure his touch.

Ren stopped in front of the fourth door they came across. He pressed a hand to its durasteel, and it irised open to allow them entry. Once the door clicked shut behind them, he let go of Rey and made his way across the room, casting off his cowl and hood as he moved.

Rey blinked several times to get her eyes used to the dim lighting. The room she had been kept in for the past four months had lights that bore down on her at all hours of the day. A strip of warm light encompassed the small room about a half meter below the corner of the ceiling and the wall. Two doors stood in the wall opposite the one they had come in. A long, dark sofa sat to her left facing two chairs, one of which held Ren’s discarded cowl.

Rey supposed the chairs might have looked uncomfortable, but anything that was not the table she had been strapped to for months seemed like a luxury. She sank down into the chair without Ren’s cowl. Her muscles ached with the feel of something _soft_ under her, and she resisted the urge to just close her eyes and sleep. She turned her head, keeping an eye on the man she despised as her body sank further into the cushion.

Ren stood in a section of the room that might have been a kitchen if it had more than a conservator and what Rey thought was a nanowave. Ren pulled something out of it before rummaging through a drawer. He made his way back to her, his boots hitting the soft floor noisily, and held out a bottle and a small package. Rey stared at them blankly, and Ren let out a long breath. The annoyance that was not hers hit her again. “It’s food and water. Take it before I change my mind.”

Rey hesitated for only a moment before she snatched the bottle. Her hand shook as she unscrewed it, and cold, blissfully cold, water flooded her mouth and ran down her dry throat. Something in the back of her mind told her to slow down. She knew from experience what would happen by drinking water too fast after dehydration, but the rest of her did not care. She chugged nearly half the bottle before a hand forcefully took it away from her mouth. Water sloshed down her front, and she glared up at Ren. Her voice was considerably stronger as she growled, “I thought you offered it all to me.”

He shoved the small package into her hand and took the bottle away. “I’m not in the mood to clean up your sick. Eat.”

She kept her glare and opened the package to find a bar of food. She ripped off a fourth of the bar and chewed. The taste made her cringe, but she did not care for dear stars, it felt good to _chew_ something again. She cast a glance at Ren to see him leaning against the other chair, his arms crossed over his chest. Swallowing the food, she asked, “Why are you helping me?”

She ripped off another fourth of the bar as she waited for his response. He regarded her in silence for several moments, which would have bothered Rey if she had not been eating for the first time in weeks. “Shall we say that I know what you went through. I was not around to control my knights.”

Laughter bubbled up Rey’s throat, and she stood on trembling legs. A step brought her face-to-face with him, but she did not reach out to touch him. “You know what I went through? You know how the first one left wounds on my back that still haven’t healed? And the next gave me nightmares of my friends? And how the last one starved and… and…” Her voice choked, and she grabbed the bottle of water, taking a gulp. She let the water stay in her mouth for longer than necessary, longer than her body wanted, but she found she could not force out those next words. Something nearby shattered. Her body shook involuntarily.

Ren, to her surprise, had not interrupted her. His arms uncrossed, letting her yell and scream at him. His eyes searched her face with an unreadable expression, not that she cared to read him at all. She wanted to see him dead, not to understand him. She swallowed past the lump, the bottle shaking in her hand, and hissed, “I know that you know how your precious master played with my mind. Peeled me back layer by layer until I couldn’t move, could barely see. You stood by him and did _nothing._ You. The man who made my life a living hell.”

Before Ren could respond, she pulled the lightsaber from his belt. It was surprisingly heavy, compared to what she remembered Skywalker’s saber to feel. She pressed the activator button, and the crackling blades sprang to life.

Infuriatingly, Ren did not look shocked to have his weapon stolen, and he stepped to the side as she lifted the saber. It cut through the chair with a satisfying sizzle. The black cowl flew away from the onslaught of the blade as Rey hacked through the chair. Once it no longer resembled a chair, Rey turned to Ren, her sides expanding rapidly as she sucked in air. She took a step toward him, adrenaline shaking her muscles.

Her eyes met his again, and the brown orbs reflected off the lights high on the walls. He clutched the cowl in both hands, his expression not in fear of her, but something else. Rey’s knees gave out, and she dropped to the floor, the lightsaber sheathing as she let it go. She took in rattling breaths, her stomach roiling from the exertion.

A long, silent moment passed before Ren knelt to pick it up. It clipped onto his belt with a soft click. The black cloth of his tunic’s tails came into Rey’s line of vision, but he did not touch her. “If you’re done destroying my furniture, I suggest you take some time to cool off in the refresher.”

She looked up, blinking past some tears that had begun to form in her eyes to see him pointing to the door on the right. She got back to her feet, leaning on the remaining chair for support. After she decided her legs could bear her weight again, she started to the door, only stopping as Ren added, “And that will be the last time you touch my lightsaber.”

Rey did not look back at him nor acknowledge his words as she closed the refresher door behind her. She stared to pull her dirty clothes off until she caught sight of herself in the small mirror. A gaunt face stared back at her, attached to a too-thin body. Any scavenger that looked like that on Jakku would be dead in a manner of days. She knew pulling off her shirt would reveal her ribs and show the processes of her spine and the sharp angles of her hips. A body that should not be hers. Such was starvation, but she had never experienced it to the extreme that she had been subjected to in that horrid room. She did not want to see herself, her own weakness.

Turning back to the door, she was relieved to find she lock it from her side. She waved her hand over the pad and heard it click. Ren could likely open it in a heartbeat, but it reassured her as she shut off the lights.

Rey kicked off the ratted boots and carefully removed the clothes in darkness, being sure to fold the thin cloth. She fumbled to the shower and felt along the wall, finally pressing a button to start the spray of water. Stepping inside, she let out a groan as the hot stream hit her back, washing away the filth. She felt around the entirety of the small stall until she found a bottle. It smelled somewhat like the soap she had gotten to use on the rare occasions she had been able to buy ten minutes in the Niima public showers. She poured as much as her hand could hold and rubbed it over her body until her skin felt raw. It did not feel like enough. She poured more and rubbed again until the bottle emptied.

Her arms trembled from the day, from wielding the staff and the lightsaber and futilely fighting Ren’s touch. Her stomach ached. Her knees gave out for the second time, and she let the water flow over her head as she vomited in the shower.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Please leave a comment and come hang out with me on [Tumblr](http://jitterygummy.tumblr.com/)


	3. III

The red beam haunted her dreams again.

She swung the blue lightsaber at Kylo Ren with all the fierce energy she had acquired on Jakku. This man had captured her, flipped through her mind like a leisurely holobook, and injured Finn. He deserved to die just like that scavenger who had tried to shoot her over a cracked TIE fighter SFS s-3 ion engine that had fetched three whole portions.

The roar of Starfighters nearly deafened her as she stalked through the snow. Ren retreated, his crackling blade sizzling against the snow. Something exploded above them, and debris hit the ground, rustling up the cold snow. Ren’s eyes flicked to the side, and she charged again with his distraction, swinging the weapon like a lighter version of her staff. The sabers cracked together.

She spun, and the saber cut through Ren’s shoulder and face like the sweet butter she had eaten at Maz Kanata’s castle. He stumbled back, a terrible howl ripping from his throat. Rey grabbed his injured shoulder and drove the lightsaber through his chest. The monster collapsed, and behind him, Finn stood, his eyes wide in horror. Blood dripped from his back and stained the snow. He held a hand out to her, a voiceless cry on his lips.

And the red beam enveloped him.

Rey woke with a start, her heart racing in her chest. All of her dreams ended like that now. Sometimes Ren killed Finn himself, other times Ren would kill her. But every one of them ended in Finn’s death. She was starting to believe he had really died by the hands of the Knights of Ren, if not Ren himself. He had not come back for her. It was the only logical reason.

A med droid hovered over her, and a light flashed on its shoulder. “No need for alarm, miss. Your heartrate is quite high.”

It ran a scanner over her, and Rey looked down at her thin body. She lay on the floor of the shower, the thin layering of her clothes draped over her. “How long have I been out?”

“A little over an hour.” The droid twisted away. “Lord Ren had the fortunate foresight to call me before you started the water. I do believe he was worried about the state of your health. You are much too thin.”

Rey snorted in disbelief and sat up slowly, using the shower wall to help her progress. “More like he was worried about angering his master.”

She pulled the clothes around herself, watching the droid carefully. It twisted back to her, holding a small box. It poked a small hole at the top and handed it to her. Rey took it but held it away from her. The droid took several seconds as if its programming could not decide what to do. Finally, it said, “Please drink it. It has nourishments and ingredients to help you re-acclimate to food.”

Rey eyed the droid for a long moment and then decided that if Ren had intended for her to die, he would not have called the med droid in the first place. Putting the box to her lips, she took a tentative sip. A sweet flavor exploded in her mouth, and she gulped down more as her body suddenly realized again how hungry she was.

The droid nodded once and gathered up its scanners. “Good. I will leave several of these here. Drink at least four a day as well as water.” Liquid sloshed inside a small pack it set on the side of the sink. “I applied some bacta salve to the wounds on your back, although they were healing quite nicely. A bacta tank would be helpful, but Lord Ren recommended against one. I will return to check on you in a few days to evaluate how ready you are to eat.”

It walked to the door in the mechanical fashion and paused. “I will notify Lord Ren of your condition. He left some clothes for you to wear if you would like yours cleaned.”

The shadow-like presence Rey had come to associate with Ren was not nearby, but she could feel him somewhere in the vicinity. “Where is he? Isn’t this his room?”

“It is. He stepped out when I arrived.” The droid’s mechanical eyes flicked to the pile of black clothing on the floor just outside the refresher. “Do get plenty of rest.”

It shuffled out of the refresher, and Rey watched it cross the small sitting space to the main door. The remains of the chair she had destroyed was still there, evidence that she was not dreaming. She gulped down the rest of the liquid, her stomach feeling fuller than she ever remembered. She pulled herself to her feet and leaned against the wall of the shower for several moments to catch her breath. All of her anger and energy from earlier seemed to have burned away, leaving her drained and shaking.

She looked between the two piles of clothes as she pulled air into her lungs. The light, tan clothes were all she ever really had on Jakku. Sure, dirt caked them, but they were _hers._ But she had also worn them for months in that room. She had her freedom in them, but now they represented the horrors. The pile of black clothing, on the other hand, were Ren’s, and she had no desire to take more from him than absolutely necessary.

Her reflection in the mirror looked haunted holding the thin wrap dress over her body. It smelled, too, as did the rest of her clothes. She pulled the pile of black clothes into the refresher and closed the door before rummaging through them. A shirt and a pair of pants that looked far too big for her enveloped a pair of basics. She was reasonably sure those were clean at least and had not been Ren’s, so she slipped the basics on. They were loose, but she hoped she would fill them out once she had gained back some weight. If she could.

The wrap she had once worn around her chest was tattered beyond repair, and the pile of black did not contain anything similar. She did not particularly need one for the time being, so she turned back to her dilemma. She could clean her own clothes in the sink and only wear Ren’s for as long as it took for them to dry.

She let the water in the sink fill up as she dressed. She had to roll the top of the pants over four times before they stopped dragging on the floor, and the shirt hung off her frame, but at least they both covered her too-thin body from the prying reflection in the mirror.

After scrubbing the clothes with the hand soap, she hung them over the shower door. The water in the sink had turned an unsightly brown, and she numbly watched the filth drain. Her damp hair stuck up in odd places in her loose buns, so she pulled them out and combed her hair with her fingers before gathering it all back into one knot. Anyone she had been hoping would recognize her hairstyle on Jakku would not be looking for her on some First Order base.  

Deciding she could not spend the rest of her days in a refresher staring at a mocking reflection, she returned to the small sitting room. Ren’s presence still felt faint, so she took one of the boxes of liquid that the droid had left and drank the sweet substance as she wandered the room.

The small sitting room contained hardly any personal effects, unless she counted the food in the conservator. Her stomach growled at the sight, so she quickly closed it and gulped her new lifeline. The door next to the refresher was closed but opened without protest.

The room she entered was a stark contrast to the tidy, organized sitting room. An unmade bed took up most of the space. She waved her hand over a control panel, and a light flickered on over the bed. A squished pillow rested precariously on the edge, and another was squashed between the top of the bed and the wall. A glass lay on top of a plate on the floor, and clothes – all unsurprisingly black – were strewn around the room.

Pieces of durasteel littered the end of the bed in the only spot where the blankets had been smoothed. Her scavenger’s curiosity got the better of her, and she stepped further in to look at the pieces. The silver of the monstrous black mask glinted in the light from where it rested on a small table, and she pointedly avoided it as she studied the durasteel. Most were just curved pieces, although she recognized several components of a miniature modulation circuit. She reached out to touch what looked to be a resistor when the pieces all suddenly seemed to forget that gravity applied to them.

Rey felt Ren’s shadow before she turned. He leaned against the doorframe, the pieces circling around his raised hand. His jaw clenched and unclenched as he stared at her. “And what are you doing in here?”

An anger burned in her belly. “You never said I couldn’t go in here. What are those?”

The corners of Ren’s eyes tightened. “Out.”

Rey crossed her arms and felt some of the liquid from her box splash onto her hand. “Give me some answers first.”

Ren’s gloved fingers curled into a fist, and the pieces crunched together in a ball. The anger in Rey burned hotter. An invisible force took her wrist, and she stumbled forward. “Hey!”

Ren stepped back, and the force dragged out of the room. The door closed of its own accord, and Ren stalked toward her. “You will not go in there again,” he growled through gritted teeth.

Rey clutched her box in front of her as if it could shield her from Ren’s anger. “If you’re going to keep me here, I want answers.”

“I don’t owe you anything,” Ren scoffed, crossing his arms. The newly formed ball of durasteel floated by his elbow.

She barely reached his shoulders, but she fixed him with an unbending stare. “ _Your Knights_ tortured me for months. And now you're… doing something else. Helping me. Why?”

The anger seemed to slowly fade, but she could still feel her own annoyance. Ren stepped away, fingering the ball of durasteel in his hands. “I told you before. I know what you went through.”

Rey echoed his scoff. “So vague. I'm surprised you're not in those myths about the gods.”

He had turned away, but she could have sworn he rolled his eyes. “There are no gods. Only the Force.”

“The Force.” The anger was back, burning hotter than ever. “Where was the Force when I was in that _kriffing_ room? Isn't it supposed to help people?”

“The Force doesn't give a damn about you,” Ren said with a bitter laugh. He turned back to her, the light casting over the scar running across his face.

“Do _you_ give a damn about anybody? All those people _you_ killed with Starkiller. All those innocent worlds. The entire Resistance. Han. Finn.” A lump was in her throat, and she looked away, swallowing some of the sweet liquid to help.

Ren took a while to respond. When he did, his voice was quiet and gentler than Rey had ever thought he was capable of producing. “I didn't want Starkiller to fire. Either time.”

“Right. It’s not like _your_ knights defended the thermal oscillator, as they so helpfully bragged.” She finished gulping down the liquid and crunched the box in her fist.

Ren crossed the space between them in two long strides. His gloved hands twitched as if he wanted to grab her, and Rey took a step back, her leg brushing against the side of the intact chair. Ren did not follow her, but his voice was low. “Since you’re Force-sensitive, you’d might as well use it, you – “ He stopped himself, and Rey felt the rise and fall of annoyance. “You know I’m not lying about that. The Force knows.”

 _The Force._ She had forgotten it could be used in more than a physical sense. She closed her eyes for a moment and focused on the energy thrumming around it – the energy she had only felt a few times during her captivity. It took all her concentration to ignore the feeling around her own body that screamed for something to eat, but once she cast her focus away from herself, she sensed an energy around Ren that seemed to blot out the rest of the room. And somewhere, deep inside Rey, she could tell he had indeed told the truth.

She cracked an eye open. Ren watched her with a strange expression. “I… I didn’t know you could do that.”

One of Ren’s dark eyebrows rose. “The power of the Force is only limited by your imagination.”

Rey eyed him carefully, slowly coming to the realization that her anger had not been completely her own. “Why did you call the med droid?”

“You’re of more use alive than dead.” His brown eyes reflected off the light as he studied her, and Rey was again reminded of how _young_ he looked, even with the light red scar that stitched together his face. She was about to demand more answers when Ren suddenly stared toward the door. “I’ll be back later. I would suggest resting.” He paused by the door and nodded at the couch. “There’s a blanket for you to use. Don’t go into my bedroom.”

Rey stared at him in utter confusion as the door irised open and shut behind his tall figure.

When she tried the door, it remained firmly closed.

* * *

 

The side of Ren’s head pounded in time with his heartbeat. The bright lights of the corridor irritated the headache, and he fervently wished he had thought to take his mask with him to shield his eyes and keep his damned emotions off his face. He was sure his skin was pale – not that paleness was usual for him – but his stomach roiled as if he had caught some pathogen.

He would have to settle for a mask of irritation.

The other knights knew not to irritate him, especially when he had a strong desire to copy the girl’s earlier behavior in his quarters. His hands trembled, and he closed them into fists as the turbolift took him to the ground floor. He pulled his hood over his head, silently glad for the less sterile feel of the corridor that he entered. Dirt labeled past footsteps, and although a cleaning droid worked to clean it, the Knights of Ren were too active, too busy coming to and from the base as well as training for the ground floor to be as clean as the lower levels.

Three figures in robes – one dark grey, the others much lighter – walked opposite him and lowered their heads respectfully as Ren approached. The darker clothed one spoke cheerfully in a distinct Arkanis accent, “We’d always welcome a demonstration in the training fields, Lord Ren.”

Ren let one eyebrow raise, feeling his shoulder throb painfully at the mere thought of the exertion training would do to it. Not that he would allow the other knights to know that. His position was too important for them to know how slowly he was healing, and Vader had performed incredible feats in combat with four synthetic limbs. He should be able to manage and recover from a wrecked tendon. “I’m sure your demonstrations are more than adequate, Auros.”

The other two – students, judging by how light their robes were – looked up at him with bright eyes that only served to irritate Ren as they traced the scar across his face. Neither had Force-sensitivity, which did not surprise Ren. Finding one was relatively rare; they did not have the man-power to hunt sensitives down, nor did they have the necessary facilities to raise children as the Jedi once did.

Auros, an older man with a scruffy half-grey-half-brown beard, grinned up at Ren. “Ah, but your lightsaber skills are legendary, and I’m sure you’ve gained more since your additional time with the Supreme Leader. It would be refreshing to see those moves compared to the starting staff and blaster training.”

The leather of Ren’s gloves creaked as he curled his fingers into fists. “A later time.”

“Of course, Lord Ren.” Auros dipped his head respectfully again, and Ren appreciated that he knew when not to press. The trainer beckoned to the two students, and they traipsed down the hall, leaving Ren to complete his path to the main hangar alone.

Several ships that belonged to the senior members of the Knights of Ren rested with varying degrees of ominocity. His own _Upsilon-_ class was docked near the hangar doors, and a few members of the crew milled about outside, watching the pilot making repairs through an open paneling.  Crew members for the other ships walked between the ships, laughing with each other. A few admired the pristine Starfighters docked against the sides, but there was a careful avoidance of one ship in particular – an old _Kom’rik_ -class fighter – where a slight woman hunched over the rear engine.

Karis, with her white and grey skin that looked even paler in her deep blacks, was one of the last surviving Nightsisters. While the other Knights of Ren had unique skills, she had powers and gifts that nearly rivaled Ren’s own.

Ren approached her, noting with a small sense of satisfaction that the crew members took care to get out of his way. She did not bother to look up as Ren approached. “Come to accuse me of something else?”

“Not unless you refuse to give me a report, Karis.”

Karis grunted, her white face illuminated briefly by the vibrospanner. “I figured you’d want more time with your new pet.”

The anger within Ren leapt for the bait, but he clenched his fists until it became painful as he forced back an outburst. It would not do to get into a fight with Karis, not in front of the crew nor with his kriffing shoulder. “Nesan?”

Karis leaned against the engine with a drawn-out sigh and turned to look at him. “He’s pretty beat up, but a couple hours in a bacta tank will cheer him up. That won’t fix his pride, though. A couple of the others want to vote to lighten his colors for letting a starving girl get the better of him. Not to mention his misconduct with her.”

“It was a directive of Leader Snoke to be rough with her, but he went too far.” He lowered his voice, ensuring with the Force that no one else was close enough to listen in. “It did bring her closer to the Dark Side than anything Maila did, or even Snoke himself.”

Karis nodded thoughtfully, her grey eyes flicking back and forth between Ren’s. He could sense some caution from her, but she hid it well. “I would imagine so. No doubt quite a bit of turmoil? The surviving Resistance members haven’t even tried to rescue her,” her voice lowered to match Ren’s, “Not even Skywalker and his new apprentice.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are always appreciated. Thank you so much for reading.


	4. IV

Despite living in the same small quarters, Rey barely saw Kylo Ren for a full week. She suspected he came and went when she slept, which was admittedly not hard to do considering the exhaustion that weighed on her limbs. Rey lay on the long couch, folding the blanket over on itself as she stared at the ceiling. The shadow of Ren’s presence felt vague in the back of her mind.

The medical droid had returned after a few days and gave her permission to eat small amounts of food. With her stomach full of the sweet liquid and crackers it had left, Rey was _bored._ Scavenging had meant waking early, trekking to the ship sites and to Neiima Outpost and coming back to her little AT-AT to eat and sleep. Occasionally, she had found time to play in her flight simulator when her portions could stretch a few days, but never in her life had she found herself with so much time on her hands.

She threw the blanket over the back of the couch and got up, rummaging under the cushions until she found a piece of metal. The sharp end poked her finger as she groped for it, but not hard enough to draw blood.

After invading Ren’s room her first day, she fell into a habit of wandering around the furniture while holding and feeling the make-shift weapon in her hands. She had taken a piece of the broken chair that seemed sharp enough to at least defend herself if Ren or the other Knights got any ideas and hid it under the cushion of the couch that served as her bed. She only felt comfortable having the broken piece out of its hiding place when she knew Ren was not nearby. The shadow in the back of her mind seemed to lessen, and she learned from the few sightings of him that it got more imposing when he was near. She guessed from the feel of the shadow that whatever base she was in had several levels above her Ren’s shadow was faintest when he was in the highest level, or so she believed since he never had gone any further than he had after storming out.

When he seemed to be at that level again a few days into her strange imprisonment, Rey opened the door to his bedroom again. Clothes still covered the floor and random pieces of furniture. The pillows lay in a heap on the floor, having finally freed themselves from their squished positions on the bed. The pieces of metal were nowhere to be seen, but Rey wandered inside the room anyway, feeling for the first time in a week a feeling of courage. Ren had not wanted her in there, and she wanted to know why.

A short nightstand rested on the side of the bed furthest from the door, and Rey picked her way around the clothes and other trash to the stand. The drawer opened with a wave of her hand over the sensor, revealing a pile of random pieces of everything. Rey refused to call anything junk, but she was not sure why Ren would just pile everything that he did not deign to leave around on the floor.

She picked up a tube labeled “Salve – 90% Bacta” and examined it with a small jump. She would have killed for even a small drop of the salve on Jakku, and almost had killed to obtain the generator she had traded for some once. And here Kylo Ren kept some in a drawer with what looked like a glowrod, a cracked datapad, and what looked like the wrapped sweets Unkar Plutt had occasionally taunted her with. Nearly every cell in her body screamed to take the drawer and run back to Jakku to live a comfortable life away from the Knights of Ren.

The increasing feel of the shadow pressed against her mind, and she shoved the drawer shut and raced over the scattered items. The door slid shut behind her, and she ducked into the refresher and started the shower water before leaning against the refresher door. Her heart pounded as she heard Ren’s stomping footsteps enter the room. She sank to the floor and listened to the sounds of his movement and the water.

She stayed on the floor for nearly an hour until she heard Ren leave. He did not come pounding on the refresher door as she had expected nor did he make any signs of knowing that she had entered his room. A charge of victory raced through her, but she decided she should not risk going in again so soon.

She washed her thin Jakku clothes in the small sink again, afraid to leave the relative safely of the refresher even though the shadow had dissipated again. The big, black clothes were at least thick and warm. The temperature regulator seemed to be stuck on blasting cold air, and Rey did not much like standing under the shower’s water for long, even if it was warm. She was unused to being so clean, and she could not help but remember passing out on the wet floor. The steam from the still-running shower helped, but the heat was too _wet._ Jakku was hot, but there was hardly any water to make the air humid.

At least another hour passed before Rey emerged from the refresher with her thin clothes hanging to dry. She stowed her make-shift weapon under the couch cushion and sank down against the soft pillows. Her surge of adrenaline at almost getting caught seemed to fade as exhaustion took over once again.

Her eyes drifted shut as she let the numbness take over. The horrid red beam appeared in the black of her vision every time her eyes darted to one side. She let her shoulders relax, and the fingers working at the edge of the blanket paused. The shadow in the back of her mind grew stronger, and the door irised open with a soft hiss. Rey kept her eyes closed as she felt the shadow near her, pause, and continue past her.

“If you're just going to lie there, you might as well pretend you're sleeping.”

Rey cracked open an eye and turned her head. Ren stood near conservator, one of his dark eyebrows raised. She let out a slow sigh and sat up. “I was _trying_ to sleep. I would think one would not talk while someone's eyes were closed.”

Ren’s eyes closed for a moment, but Rey was certain they rolled under the lids. “Physically, yes, you might've passed for sleeping.” His brown eyes seemed to glint in the light as he opened them again. “But the Force says otherwise.” He paused, and his Adam’s Apple worked in throat. “Let me teach you.”

Rey stared. She barely saw him for a week, and now he wanted to teach her. His random changes in mood and behavior would not have suited him well for life as a scavenger. She scoffed and gestured to his face. “My original answer to that offer is across your face.”

Ren’s gloved hand curled into a fist. “And yet, now you have no lightsaber. No friends. The Resistance is gone.” He closed the gap between them in three strides. “I'm offering to teach you something that could actually give you the means to escape if you so wanted. Do you hate me that much?”

Rey could not meet his intense gaze, so she studied the scar marring his features. The edges and thin area that ran over his nose were white, but the thick middle still held the pink of inflammation. She had done much worse to scavengers who threatened her life, and she had been all too pleased to make the monster bleed in the snow. And yet something deep inside her felt… strange. It was not quite guilt, for he deserved the injuries after what he had done in the thermal oscillator, but she did not feel complete satisfaction at being the cause of the wound.

Her eyes flicked over the rest of his face. She supposed he was handsome, if the few holovid she had viewed from the Star Destroyer wreckage was anything to compare to. He certainly had not been the monster she had expected to see under the mask, and he had actually treated her with _dignity._ He let her take her fury out on something. He had been respectful enough to leave the room while the med droid had treated her passed out on the refresher floor (although part of her suspected he had actually fled the room, if what the droid had told her on her checkup was true).

“Why do you want to help me?” She held up a hand, not caring that it shook slightly in the air. “And I don't want your vague answer of how you know what I'm going through. You don't. So why?”

Ren’s eyes dropped to her hand for a moment before he let out a long sigh. Slowly, he slipped the glove off and held up a pale hand. His long fingers trembled. “This is why.”

Rey’s eyes narrowed. “You're… hungry? Sick? How does teaching me help any of that?”

He seemed to find something on the wall behind her very interesting as he avoided her gaze. “Most days during the last few months, there was a time at almost exactly ten hundred hours when my back began to throb, or my stomach hurt unbearably, or something strange that did not make sense for what I was doing.”

“So you’re sick. I assume you have plenty of access to medical supplies, considering you – “ She stopped herself before giving away that she had found an entire bacta salve tube in his forbidden room. “ – considering you’re the head of this… organization.”

Ren shook his head impatiently, and he pushed her blanket-covered legs aside to sit on the couch. Rey pulled them to her chest to keep as much space between them as possible. He rolled back his sleeve and dug his nails into his exposed skin, hard.

Pain laced up Rey’s arm so unexpectedly that she let out a yelp. She lifted her arm, but no half-moon shaped wounds were there. Her skin, although paler than she ever remembered, was perfectly intact. She looked up at Ren, demanding an explanation with her expression alone.

He pulled the sleeve over his arm that bore the marks she expected on herself and occupied himself with sliding his glove back on. “The Force does strange things sometimes.” He gave a bitter laugh. “We’re connected by it. I didn’t feel it much when you were drugged, but when it began to wear off you, I sensed your pain. Your hunger. I felt it as if those things had happened to me.”

Rey laughed uncertainly. “Terrible joke.” She waited for him to roll his eyes or laugh or give some indication that he had been pulling her leg. When he did not, her mouth went dry. Her stomach flipped, but she knew it was not from hunger. Slowly, she murmured, “That’s why Snoke didn’t kill me…”

He nodded once and whispered, “Yes. Bonds like these occasionally cropped up in the old Jedi Order. There are records of insanity in those who survived the loss of the other.”

He stood and crossed to the conservator, pulling out one of the boxes of sweet liquid. As he handed it to her, she said, “I wasn’t drugged when Snoke…”

“You weren’t.”

Rey’s stomach clenched as she picked at the side of the box to open it. “Did you…?”

“Yes.” His jaw worked for a moment. “For a while, I thought he formed this connection to punish me while you were going through that. But then he let you live.”

Rey set the box on the floor, not sure her stomach could handle anything as it clenched again. She played with the edges of her blanket again as she avoided looking at Ren. “So what does this mean now? You want to rehabilitate me so you feel better? What happens after I’m healthy?”

Ren sank into the chair across from her and ran a gloved hand through his hair. “I offered to teach you. It’s either that, or Leader Snoke will decide you’re worth his personal attentions again.” He leaned forward, resting his forearms on his knees. “You’re strong with the Force. No one else in the galaxy can teach you.”

“Luke Skywalker.” The words blurted out of Rey’s mouth before she could stop them.

Ren shrugged. “Skywalker is missing. The Resistance was destroyed before they could find him. He obviously does not want to be involved in the affairs of the galaxy or any Force-sensitive. Other than Snoke, I’m the only one who can show you the ways of the Force.”

A cynical part of Rey wanted to laugh at how different their situation and surroundings were since the last time he had said those words. She finally met Ren’s gaze as she nodded. “Fine. Teach me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Massive apologies for how long this took. My other WIP is now finished, so more time will be devoted to this! As always, comments are appreciated.


	5. V

Rey stuffed a piece of bread in her mouth and stared at her reflection in the durasteel. Tufts of hair that moved with her working jaw stuck out on the left from her fitful sleep on the couch. The black clothes still hung off her thin frame, but her face seemed… better, somehow. Her cheeks looked a little fuller, and an odd look of excitement had replaced the hollow expression she had worn her first night in Ren’s rooms.

A twist in her stomach echoed the excitement in her face. She was about to learn the skills necessary for her to escape the monsters around her. She would just need to tolerate Ren long enough to do so. He had seemed genuine in wanting to help her, although she knew his motives were entirely in his own and Snoke’s interests. But she had excellent survival instincts. She would run and find another backwater planet to live on outside of the chaos that the First Order had wrecked upon the galaxy. She knew there was no BB-8 or Finn for her to find, or they would have already found her.

She was starting to wonder if she could ever manage to steal Ren’s lightsaber or some other weapon to help her when the durasteel slid to the side. Ren stopped abruptly, nearly running into her as he blinked rapidly. “Stars. Didn't the desert rats teach you not to stand where someone will run you over?”

Rey's eyes followed his hand as it raked through the mess of his hair. His fingers caught in a tangle, and he used his other hand to push her out of his way. “I thought you said we could feel each other with this connection, so therefore you wouldn't run me over.”

Ren shot her a look over his shoulder that was half exhaustion and half annoyance. “Didn’t think you’d be standing right _there._ ”

“Well, I _am_ here _._ So can we start?”

Ren turned into the refresher, and the door slid shut in front of her face. Rey yelled a half-hearted “hey!” before moving across the room to get a box of the sweet juice from the conservator. He _had_ given her space when she had passed out on the refresher floor. She supposed she could give him the same, even if he was not indecent as she had been. She curled her legs underneath her on the couch and stared at the closed door as she drank.

Ren emerged as she finished off the last sips of the juice. The robes she had only ever seen him in were replaced by a simple, slightly wrinkled black shirt that resembled the one that hung off her own body. The loose pants left a few centimeters of his ankles visible, which was made worse as he sat on the chair across from her. He leaned forward, resting his forearms on his knees as he studied her face.

Rey chewed her lower lip and wrapped her arms around her middle as she began to feel uncomfortable with his stare. She hated attention. Attention got a scavenger targeted by bigger groups for annihilation before the good stuff was taken, which she knew first-hand when Plutt had gleefully and loudly traded her for a prime condition ion canon. She brushed some stray strands of hair from her face and said slowly, “So… the Force.”

Ren blinked as if she had interrupted a trance, and he cleared his throat. “Yes. I need to know how much you can already do.”

Rey shrugged and fixed her gaze on the warm lighting near the ceiling to avoid Ren’s stare. “I thought the Force was a myth until, well, you.” And Finn, she added silently with a pang in her chest. She wished she was back at Niima Outpost chasing after him with BB-8.

Ren gave a soft scoff. “You were wasted on Jakku. From what I know, most Force users are instinctually strong in a certain aspect of the Force. You managed to survive on Jakku by yourself for years and beat me. I believe your strength is in combat.”

Rey raised an eyebrow skeptically. “Or I'm just better than you.”

“Or you figured out how to use my experience against me.”

Rey snorted. “Yeah. Like I uploaded a datacard of what you can do.”

Ren raised an eyebrow and slowly nodded. Rey’s eyes narrowed. “Male scavengers always underestimated me, too. Just admit that I'm better at fighting than you.”

Ren rolled his eyes. The immature motion seemed to come to him so freely that Rey decided he likely did it often without others knowing it under his mask. “I don't doubt that you can take care of yourself, but your latent Force abilities likely helped.”

Rey opened her mouth to protest but stopped. Once Ren had mentioned the Force during their fight on Starkiller, she had fought with a renewed strength and fury. But she never had that feeling in skirmishes over valuable generators and engine parts.

A spark of annoyance raced through her that she knew did not originate from herself, and she waved her hand in the air. “Fine. I don’t want to hear your reasonings. Just teach me how to use the Force.”

Ren raised a dark eyebrow but nodded once. “Direct. All right.” He tilted his head toward the conservator. “Get one of those nutrition drinks.” Rey frowned and started to stand until his hand went up. “Where do you think you’re going? Get the drink with the Force.”

Rey crossed her arms over her chest. “You didn’t show me how to do that.”

“Did someone show you how to fix a flight simulator?” He shrugged at her indignant look. “If you want to know how I know that, get the drink.”

Rey scowled at him and set her jaw, imagining herself opening the conservator and bringing the box over to where she was.

Nothing happened.

She looked at Ren expectantly for help. He gave her a bored expression and leaned back in the chair, his frown pulling at the scar. “I suppose I could’ve been wrong in sensing how strong your powers are.”

It took all of her willpower not to slap him and that ridiculous scar. She would expect someone on Jakku to scar like that, but she knew he had access to working bacta tanks. He was an idiot for choosing a scar for intimidation over healing himself properly. Shooting him a dark glare, she imagined the conservator opening on its own.

And still nothing.

Ren let out a long sigh and stood, starting toward his bedroom. “I have more important matters to attend to than a Force sensitive who can’t use her powers.”

Rey gritted her teeth and raised her arm, making a wild motion with her hand. The conservator door banged open. A box hit her fingertips, and she opened it. The juice sprayed out, and Ren raised his hand just a moment too late. The first onslaught of the juice covered his face and neck while the rest hovered in the air before falling in a puddle at his feet.

Slowly, he wiped the juice from around his eyes. Rey tensed, expecting to feel his fury and hear him yell. Instead, his mouth twitched into a half smile, and he gave a low chuckle. “I can’t believe you actually fell for that.”

Rey stared as his chuckle turned into a full-blown laugh, and his smile pulled at his scar. “You tricked me into getting angry enough to do that.” His laugh made her anger flare more. “You said we’re connected! Why didn’t I know you were tricking me?”

“I’ll tell you that further on in your training.” He made a strange motion with his hand, and the juice that covered his face converged into a floating bubble in front of him. “For now, we’ll focus on the physical aspects of the Force.”

“So just moving stuff? What fun is that?” Rey pointed to his side only to realize he was not carrying his lightsaber with his casual sleeping attire. At least he was not insane enough to sleep with the weapon. “I want to learn how to properly use a lightsaber.”

The smile slowly faded from Ren’s face as he scrutinized her. “I’m not sure you’re ready for that.”

Rey crossed her arms. “You said I have some instinct to fight, _and_ I beat you with one already. I’m ready.”

She felt that flicker of emotions that crossed Ren’s face before he sighed. “I’ll see if I can find something that’ll suffice for practice.” He raised his hand as she grinned. “But it’ll probably take a few days. I have… meetings when I’m not here.” His head jerked to look at the chronometer near the conservator. “One in which I’m late for.”

He disappeared into his bedroom and emerged just a few minutes later with his usual intimidating robes and his mask in his hand. His heavy boots clunked against the floor as he made his way to the entrance. As the door irised open, he glanced back at her, waving his free hand vaguely. “Practice moving things while I’m gone.”

* * *

 

Rey hated Kylo Ren. Or rather, she hated the strange schedule he seemed to run on. She could feel his shadow through their connection in the back of her mind, but he did not return to his room for well over a day.

She practiced taking juice boxes from the conservator along with other food, and when that exercise quickly became boring, she learned how to move the chair and the couch. Ren did not return in twelve hours, so she rearranged the furniture to move the couch away from the air vent that seemed to only pump out cold air. Some part of her mind told her that Ren likely would not care where the couch and chair sat in the room, but since he seemed to be ignoring her, she wanted to spite him as much as possible.

When trying to use the Force to open the room’s entrance did not work, Rey started exploring Ren’s bedroom instead. At first, she only went in for a few minutes, but after a full day without seeing him, she began treating her ventures inside the disarrayed space as a scavenging expedition. Next to the cracked datapad in the drawer of the bedside table, she found a tool that she would have paid three generators for on Jakku. Several small tools flipped out from it, including a small hydrospanner, a sonismoother, a vibroscapel, and even a small lumen globe that glowed blue upon activation. She pocketed the multi-use tool in the overly large pockets of Ren’s pants.

She found the thermoregulator on her fourth venture, which was during the middle of the night according to the chronometer next to the bed. The regulator seemed to only respond to Ren’s bioinformation. Using her new multi-tool, she took off the panel and started manipulate the wires.

The wires were color-coded, but she was so used to working with wires that had long lost their color that she did not know what they meant. She assumed the two black ones were for the bioscan, which she felt was an unnecessary addition to something that controlled the temperature of a room. She pulled the black wires off their connection gently. The panel’s lights flickered off, and the noise of the room’s air ceased.

She reconnected the black wires and let the regulator and air reboot for a moment before she pulled off the white wire. The air continued to blow, so she pulled the green one. The air whirred to a stop again, and she grinned. Switching the connections of the green and white wires, she reattached the panel and felt glorious warm air beginning to pump from the vents. As the door to Ren’s bedroom slid shut behind her, she paused.

She had been so engrossed in her work that she had not noticed the disappearance of Ren’s shadow in the back of her mind. She assumed that she would have felt if he had died suddenly, so he had left the base without even returning to his rooms first. The optimistic side of her hoped that he had left to get something to build a lightsaber, but the practical side knew he was likely off terrorizing the galaxy for the First Order.

The absence of his shadow felt strange, as if she was missing a part of herself. But she knew that was just because she had gotten used to knowing his general location, just like she had gotten used to the very rare rainstorm that had once hit Jakku for two days and then missed the patter on the roof of her AT-AT.

Telling herself that she should enjoy the time without Ren’s shadow, she sat next to one of the vents in the main room with her blanket and fell asleep with warm air blowing on her arm and side.

* * *

 

Rey woke feeling better rested than she had since Jakku. Ren’s shadow felt close, so close that she was mildly surprised it had not woken her earlier. A thunk sounded through the wall, followed by a muted curse.

She used the Force to move the blanket back onto the couch. As she got to her feet, she gasped and held onto the wall for support as a sharp pain pounded through her head. Her stomach roiled, and she dry heaved for several moments. She waved open the door to Ren’s room and stumbled inside. He lay still on the bed, his frame silhouetted by the weak light of the chronometer.

“Ren?”

His head faced away from her, but his arm moved up to press his hand against his forehead. “Later.”

Rey felt her way over a pile of clothes and managed to find the edge of the bed. She collapsed onto it, eliciting a low growl from Ren. “Where did you go? What’s wrong?”

He kept his hand against his head, and Rey felt the pain lessen slightly. “I was blocking this until I fell asleep.”

“That doesn’t answer my questions.”

Ren did not respond, but Rey’s stomach heaved again. She slowly lay down, her head resting against one of the squished pillows. The light coming from the main room seemed to spin as she tried to take deep breaths. Ren did not try to kick her out of the room, a testament that he felt as awful as she did.

The air blowing into the room barely drowned out their breaths as they lay in silence. Rey was sure Ren had fallen asleep until he murmured, “Snoke.”

Rey’s hairs rose despite the warmth of the room. Memories of the man – or, man-like monster, for she really did not think he was a man – flooded her mind. His smooth voice whispering in her ear as Ren’s masked form stood idly nearby. The hours spent on the floor of his chamber. His pale hand reaching for her as excruciating pain ripped through her very being. She licked her dry lips as she stared through the darkness at the ceiling. “What about him?”

“Went to see him.” Ren took a ragged breath as he shifted on the bed. “Wasn’t happy. Stars.”

He got to his feet and half raced, half stumbled out of the room. Rey gasped and shut her eyes as her vision reeled. Her stomach roiled, and she heard the sounds of Ren retching. Groaning, she slid off the bed and made her way toward the refresher.

She waved her hand over the small panel to turn on the lights but immediately regretted it as the onslaught of light attacked her pounding head. She shut them off, letting the dim light from the main room cast her shadow into the refresher. “This connection thing… isn’t very helpful if it makes us both sick.” Her voice rasped, but she felt a small surge of pride that she was actually keeping her food down as Ren vomited again.

Ren leaned against the wall, his hands shaking on top of his knees. “No.” He paused for longer than necessary, his eyes closing. “We need to learn how to block each other.”

Rey slid down the door frame and pulled her knees to her chest. “I didn’t feel Snoke do this to you.”

“Distance.” Ren ran trembling hand through his hair and suddenly leaned forward. Rey winced and looked away to avoid seeing him retch. He coughed and spit into the toilet. “Sorry.”

Rey blinked and looked back at him. “For what?”

His head leaned against the toilet lid. “This. You’re sick, too.”

“Did you provoke Snoke into doing this?” At a slight shake of his head that made her briefly see black spots, she let out a slow breath. “Then it’s not your fault. It’s all his.”

She vaguely wondered why Snoke would even want to torture his apprentice into such a condition, but her thoughts did not go deep as her stomach flipped with his fourth vomit. There was an unpleasant taste in her mouth, so she used the last of her concentration to bring two boxes of juice to her hands with the Force.

Opening one, she slid it across the refresher floor to Ren, who hesitantly took a small sip. He leaned back against the wall, clutching the box against his chest. Rey took sips from her own box, feeling her stomach slowly settle.

She was slowly drifting back to sleep on the floor when she heard an almost unintelligible voice whisper, “Thank you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dear stars this chapter fought me. Please check out my Tumblr for any posts regarding writing delays! Thank you for reading!


	6. VI

“You have a rectangle on your face.”

Ren’s brown eyes flicked up to Rey in what might have been a dark look had he not looked so terrible. “Most people comment on the scar.”

Rey shrugged and folded her flatcake before stuffing the entire thing in her mouth. She chewed long enough to allow her to speak around the food. “I don’t blame them. The scar could’ve been healed with bacta.” She swallowed the partly chewed flatcake and reached for a box of juice. “Why do you follow Snoke when he hurts you like that? Seems stupid to hurt someone so valuable.”

She looked up at him expectantly for a response, but Ren only stared down at his cup. He had only taken one bite of his own flatcake, although she did not blame him. He had spent most of the night either sleeping on the refresher floor or vomiting. The fingers curled around the cup trembled slightly as he took a drink, and she knew the dull throbbing in her head was not from her.

The silence hung in the air.

Rey leaned forward and pulled his plate toward her, ripping off a piece his uneaten flatcake and putting it into her mouth. “This is good. Didn’t think an organization of filthy so-called knights could cook.”

“A droid made it. And it can make more; you don't have to eat mine.” Ren’s scowl pulled at the pink scar as he watched her with a mildly disgusted look on his face. “Stars. Slow down and use the fork. You’re not even off the nutritional drink yet.”

Rey looked up at him and swallowed her bite half-chewed. “It shouldn’t go to waste.”

He rolled his eyes before stifling a groan and pressing a hand to his forehead. The throb in Rey’s head intensified for several awful seconds. “There’s more than enough to eat on this base. It doesn’t matter if _one_ flatcake doesn’t get entirely eaten.”

Rey ripped off another piece and kept eye contact with him as she put it into her mouth. “Food is valuable, and I need to gain weight anyway. If you don’t want to eat it and I can, why should it go to waste?”

The hand on the counter flexed for a moment. “ _Because_ you don’t just eat someone else’s food. Surely you learned that on the dirty planet?”

Rey felt anger flare in her stomach. “Yes, you do, if given the chance! It’s your survival or theirs, and if that means taking someone else’s food, then you do it. Maybe you should think about those who have to scrape for every single scrap they can get before you decide to waste food because your boss makes you sick.”

They glared at each other, neither willing to blink first. The stupid scar on Ren’s face annoyed Rey more than ever as she stared at him. He could not even use the medical access available to him, let alone eat the plentiful food he had around him. He could not see how _lucky_ he was to not have to fight someone else over a generator just to get flavorless portions survive the week?

Something snapped loudly, and they both jumped. Ren glanced over his shoulder and gave her a bitter smile. “You broke something in the conservator. Now who’s wasting food?”

Rey scoffed and stuffed the rest of the flatcake in her mouth. “Why did you even order these if you weren’t going to eat them?”

Ren took another sip of the bitter-smelling drink and pinched the bridge of his nose just below the scar. “Decent hangover food.”

Rey narrowed her eyes. “Hangover? From alcohol?” Her stomach seemed to freeze. “I thought you said Snoke did that to you.”

Ren’s eyes closed, but he nodded once. “He did. Just feels like a hangover.” She stared at his exhausted face and decided he had no energy in him to lie or keep a lie concealed from their connection.

Some scavengers at Niima Outpost had stumbled around drunk, but Rey always traded her valuable scavenges for food and water. She did not need to get accidentally killed or waste her resources. She had gone hungry enough with her rules, and she felt that people who spent their time in an alcohol-induced stupor were idiotic. Although they did give her an advantage in finding the good pieces. “You drink a lot?”

“Only when knight traditions require me to.” Ren took another sip. “It’s never a good idea for me to lose control.”

Rey snorted and stuffed her last flatcake in her mouth. “Because you’re already angry all of the time? That’s what I heard your knights saying.”

“I’m not angry all of the time,” Ren growled in a defensive voice. He took in a long breath through his nose, and Rey could feel his annoyance in the pit of her stomach. “Things tend to break when I’m not in full control of my abilities.”

Rey’a eyes narrowed, and she looked over her shoulder to where the chair she had destroyed remained in pieces. “That was you. _Your_ anger, not mine, through this connection.”

Ren shook his head and stood, tilting his glass all the way back to swallow the last of his drink. “That was all you, scavenger.” He leaned across the counter, meeting her eyes with a piercing stare. When he spoke again, passion filled his low voice. “Don't be afraid of it. The anger… helps. It's focuses the Force. Helps you reach past the surface into its full potential.”

Rey searched his face, looking for signs that he was misleading her or joking past the scar and faint rectangle imprint of the refresher floor. When she only found seriousness, she nodded slowly, her mind racing back to her experiences on Jakku. “I think I fight better… when I'm angry.”

He dipped his head once and reached for his gloves lying on the counter. “As I said, you have an instinct in the Force to fight.”

He straightened to move away, and Rey held up a hand to blurt out, “What was your instinct? In the Force?”

One of his dark eyebrows rose. “Why do you care?”

Rey shrugged and drank the rest of her sweet juice, not quite sure herself why she had asked. “You decided to protect me, let me stay in your rooms. We’re stuck together. I’m curious.”

Ren stared at her for a long moment before looking down to pull on his gloves. “I'll be back later, and we can see about doing some lightsaber training.”

Excitement raced through Rey, and she let go of the avoided question. “And I can beat you again?”

Ren picked up his helmet that rested on the intact chair. “If I remember correctly, you got distracted by a little explosion and lost.”

Rey crossed her arms over the too-big black shirt. “So the scar just spontaneously appeared?”

He leaned forward, the corners of his mouth twitching. “Someone used their anger to dig into the Force.”

* * *

 

“Nesan is not pleased, but I suppose we could move him to a backwater Order base.”

Ren closed his eyes, wishing that mask that rested on the table in front of him was actually over his face. The pounding headache had ebbed to a dull throb over his right eye, and he pulled on the Force to help him withstand the pain.

“Or we could just dispose of him.” Someone’s fingers tapped on the table, making a soft drumming sound. “It's not like he'll ever rise to our rank again, and Nesan is the type for revenge.”

“The girl’s a prisoner, he can take revenge if he wants.”

“The _prisoner_ , is my personal problem, Ranos.” Ren’s own voice grated against his ears, and the light barraged his eyes as he opened them again to look at the offending knight, a tall Nautolan with deep green skin, next to him. “And Leader Snoke wants her in good condition.”

Ranos crossed his arms over his chest. “I don't think she'll join Leader Snoke or us if she wouldn't after all this time. Just get rid of her before she escapes – _again_ – and runs to Skywalker.”

Ren held up a hand, giving Ranos a hard stare. “Don’t presume to know the Supreme Leader’s plans for her when you haven’t spoken with him. I am doing my part; I suggest you do not interfere.”

He let his hand drift over the lightsaber at his belt, and Ranos’s black eyes followed. The Nautolan leaned back, throwing two of his head tentacles over his shoulder. “And does the Supreme Leader have a plan to deal with the new Jedi roaming the galaxy? I haven’t seen much chatter on the comm of the fleets taking care of the issue.”

“The First Order high command is convening to discuss what to do about that issue.” Karis slid a datapad down the table, and Ren glanced down at it to read the First Order movement logs. “They’ve leaked a false location. The Supreme Leader wishes for us to go to there for an ambush and to follow any survivors to find their base.”

Ren flicked his finger over the datapad screen. “Do we have an estimate of the Resistance’s numbers?”

“Unknown. We assume they still have the pilots and ships that escaped Starkiller, which was about half of their initial onslaught.” Karis drummed her fingers on the table again. “The Supreme Leader is sure Organa and the other high ranking officers managed to evacuate D’Qar before Starkiller fired.”

Ren would have felt in the Force if Leia Organa had been killed, even in the state he had been in that night. Still, a part of his mind felt relieved she had survived, a part he would need quell. He pulled his attention away from the traitorous thought and swiped over the datapad.

Karis leaned forward, clasping her hands in front of her. “I estimate roughly 20 fighter ships and one, possibly two, flagships based off what we know.”

“The leaked date is two days from now.” Ren glanced at the four black-clothed knights around the table and the two empty chairs. “Argon and Tinto will remain at their posts in the fleet in case the Resistance obtains the actual location. We will ambush the leaked location. Skywalker might be there, so no lower ranks who might mess this up. We leave before light day after tomorrow.”

* * *

 

Rey rolled her foot in her worn boots as she lay back on the couch to stare at the ceiling. Warm air from the vent blew onto her side, and she bunched up the blanket on her feet in an attempt to uniformly warm herself. Her stomach felt full, fuller than she ever remembered it being, and it was filled with actual _food._ Granted, the flatcakes had not been as good as the stuff she had gorged upon on Takodana, but they were worlds better than the portioned bread Plutt handed out. She had no idea that some people could just order a droid to make them food, and then make more, enough to waste some if they did not want it, and she resented Ren for having that privilege.

Ren’s shadow felt as if he was on the supposed top floor of the base and had not moved in a few hours. Her head still ached, and she wondered if the rectangle was still imprinted on his idiotic face. She hoped the other knights would ask how he got it, especially that pale white woman who had caught her in her attempted escape.

Her eyes drifted shut, and she drifted to sleep with thoughts of that woman and other faceless knights asking barbed questions into why Ren had a shape on his face and his subsequent annoyance.

The sound of the door swishing open pulled her out of her reverie, and she opened one eye to see Ren standing at the other end of the couch. One of his dark eyebrows raised. “Did you eat so much that you’re too tired to train?”

Rey swung her legs off the couch and stood, feeling more energetic than she had in months. “Of course not. Food means energy.”

Ren shook his head and turned back to the door, gesturing for her to follow. “You can vomit if you eat too much, you know.”

“And you can faint or, I don’t know, _die_ if you eat too little,” Rey retorted, glaring at the back of his head. His dark hair seemed to turn brown as he passed into the bright light of the hallway. “You’re actually letting me out of your rooms?”

“You didn't think we were going to train in my rooms?” His gloved hand ran through his hair, and she followed him around a corner, looking behind her to see if she could find the turbolift. Ren turned into a room, and Rey forgot about noting an escape route as excitement twisted her stomach.

The room was fairly small, perhaps two-thirds bigger than Ren’s combined sitting room and kitchen. Rey’s feet sank into padded mats that covered the floor. A rack of long staffs, some wooden and some durasteel, rested in a corner.

Ren pressed a panel, and the door slid shut and locked with a click. He set his helmet on the floor next to the door and pulled off his cowl, throwing his lightsaber hilt down on top of it.  

Rey hesitated for a moment as she stared at his free lightsaber but quickly decided he would get to it first and cut her open before she could make an escape with it. She instead crossed the room to the staffs and picked up one of the durasteel ones. “I thought we were doing lightsaber training?”

Ren trailed after her and took one of the wooden staffs, handing another to her. “We are, but I imagine we both would like to keep all of our limbs and appendages. We’ll start with the wooden ones.”

“I used a quarterstaff on Jakku.” Rey held the durasteel staff in a familiar grip, testing its heavy weight. “I can handle this one.”

Ren pulled the staff out of her hands with an ease that irritated Rey. “That was before you were half starved. You’ll be working on your strength as well as learning to use the Force with lightsabers.” He held out the second wooden staff. “And technically, your hand just got cut off with the way you held that. These are supposed to be sabers, not your staff.”

Rey rolled her eyes and took the wooden staff. It was heavier than she expected, but she would not admit to Ren that it did feel easier to swing than the other one. Gripping the end like she had held the blue lightsaber on Starkiller, she held it up to her shoulder.

Ren cast his brown eyes over her stance and nodded. He walked a few paces away, spinning his staff in his gloved hand. They faced each other, and for an instant, Rey saw him surrounded by snow and towering trees, the hum and crackle of their blades in the air. She stepped forward, swinging the wooden staff toward the side he had once pounded on with his own fist.

Ren caught her staff with his and wrenched his arms up. She gritted her teeth, struggling and failing to keep him from moving her staff away. He twisted his staff and brought it down to swipe at her leg. Rey took a step back to avoid it and swung out toward his arm. Ren spun to avoid it, and his staff smashed against her shoulder before she could stop it. The pain laced down her arm, and she turned to expose her side to Ren, holding the staff with her other arm to fend off his next attack.

They exchanged a series of blows, the cracking of wood against wood echoing off the walls of the small room. The jarring pain in her shoulder faded as they danced around the room, but her muscles began to tremble with fatigue at fending off the sheer force of Ren’s attacks. He landed another hit to her knee, and she responded by kicking at his arm. He backed away before her foot made contact, and she stumbled forward, allowing him the opportunity to hit her other arm.

He backed away for a moment and allowed her to catch her breath, which only served to annoy her. “You wouldn’t back down in a real fight.”

The tip of Ren’s staff moved in little circles as he appraised her. “No, but I can feel your exhaustion.”

Rey shot him a glare and lunged forward, aiming for his exposed stomach. Their make-shift blades cracked together again, and they held the blades up in a cross. Ren studied her face, not looking nearly as tired as she felt, and she tried not pant as much as her lungs wanted. “Remember the Force.”

He stepped away, and Rey sucked in a long breath, trying to focus on the same energy she had used to move the furniture. She attacked again, letting the energy help guide her muscles. He blocked her blow toward his leg, but she brought up her staff to his shoulder too quickly for him to stop. The wood smashed against his right shoulder, and he staggered back, his face contorting in agony.  

The pain shot through her own shoulder in a dull imitation through their connection. Rey took advantage of his distraction and hit his hand, causing him to drop the staff. Something told her to continue hitting him. He deserved it, after all, for all the things he had done, and she could feel his vulnerability in her own body through the pain shooting through her shoulder and arm. Instead, she stopped, leaning against her staff. “Are you all right?”

He gave her a bitter smile, his hand covering the hit shoulder. “You wouldn’t back down in a real fight.”

Rey rolled her eyes and stepped toward him, the pain still throbbing in her shoulder. “No, but I can feel that, too. I didn’t think I had the strength to hit you that hard.”

He pulled in a breath and tried to hide the shutter in it. “You just… hit the wrong side. Again.”

She stood in front of him and picked up his fallen staff, her brow furrowing in confusion. “That was the first hit I landed on you.”

Ren’s fingers worked over his shoulder in a massaging motion. He seemed reluctant to answer, and he avoided her eyes as he looked down at his slowly flexing hand. “You messed up my shoulder on Starkiller Base.”

Rey stared at the pink scar that disappeared under his collar and saw him again surrounded by snow, blood dripping from his side and a gash caused by the blue lightsaber open to the cold air illuminated by the lights from reinforcements of the Knights of Ren. She stared at his now-clothed shoulder. “It was just a cut.”

“A cut that ripped my tendon in half.” He winced and dropping his massaging hand, giving her a look that seemed to dare her challenge his vulnerability. “It’s getting better, but I’ve been avoiding a fight with it.”

Rey crossed her arms over her chest, holding onto both staffs with one hand. “If you have plenty of food, then you have access to a bacta tank. Why didn’t a soak in one fix that?”

He rolled the shoulder slowly, causing a sharp pain in her own body. “I can’t be in a bacta tank.”

She raised an eyebrow skeptically. “Because of the whole pain and anger helps with the Force thing? That’s great, but one little hit from me nearly incapacitated you.”

“Believe me, I would love to have full use of my shoulder, no thanks to you.” The throb in her shoulder was ebbing away, and he flexed his arm. “You have to be sedated in a tank, and I can’t control my abilities under sedation.” She stared at him uncomprehendingly, and he let out an exasperated sigh, finally meeting her gaze. “I break bacta tanks. They shatter after a few minutes in them, but at least those minutes healed it enough to convince the droids to let me keep my arm.”

Rey’s mind raced with the new information. He actually had a reason for keeping the ridiculous scar, a reason that had nearly cost him an entire limb. She had almost made a man – for she could no longer just see him as a monster in a mask – loose an arm. Something necessary for survival, especially in his position. Getting a prosthetic limb would likely be just as difficult if he could not control his powers under sedation. She could not handle the loss of something so integral in her life, and she only now started to appreciate how much she relied on her hands during scavenging and fighting for survival.

Her hand had rested on his shoulder without her realizing it, and she pulled it away quickly, meeting his eyes as she murmured, “I’m sorry.”

He did not respond but did not break their eye contact. His shoulders were hunched forward, their faces just centimeters apart. His eyes half closed, and Rey was acutely aware of their synced breaths.

The staffs clattered together as they fell out of her hand, and they both jumped away. Ren raked an hand through his hair and turned away. He pulled one of the staffs into his hand with the Force and turned it in his hand, and Rey bent to pick the other one up. He held his staff at his waist, taking a defensive stance. “Let’s go again.”

 


	7. VII

Rey twisted in front of the mirror and pressed her fingers against the purple-green blotch covering the back of her shoulder. A sharp pain raced across the bruise. Wincing, she dropped her hand and folded her arms across her chest. More dark bruises spotted her body, and she adjusted the pair of basics that dug into one decorating her hip. Her muscles ached with every movement, but she felt _good._ She had exerted herself, let her muscles do what they were supposed to do for the first time in months, and had managed to land a few good hits on Kylo Ren to boot.

She pushed away the thought that those blows had only been because of Ren’s bad shoulder.

She tied her damp hair into a small knot at the base of her neck, her arms protesting the movement. Her thin Jakku clothes hung damp on the shower door behind her, so she reached for the black clothes. They fit better than they had at first, but the pants still slid down her hips until she rolled the top down several times.

“Have you decided to live in the refresher now?” Even groggy, Ren’s voice from by the door made her jump.

Her heart raced embarrassingly fast in her chest as she saw his tall frame leaning against the wall outside the refresher. “Stars. Announce yourself if you’re going to lurk by the door.”

“Didn’t I spend my entire evening yesterday teaching you how to sense me in combat?”

Rey narrowed her eyes and tugged at the too-big shirt. “Yes. During combat.”

Ren’s eyes rolled, much to Rey’s irritation. “Not during combat should be easier.” He waved his hand to indicate for her to leave the refresher. “Move.”

Rey slipped around him but kept her eyes on him while she leaned against the door frame. He held his right arm closer to his torso than usual. He glanced at her as he ran the water in the sink, his eyes flicking to the side to look at her. “Why aren't you asleep?”

Rey snorted and crossed her arms again, glancing at the chronometer near the conservator. It read a few hours past midnight. “You’re not.”

“If you haven't noticed, I don't sleep much.” His answer came as more of a mutter, and he leaned over the sink with a deep breath.

Rey resisted the urge to mock him for acting as if his life was so hard. “Neither do I. You know, the whole being kept in a brightly lit room for several months screws up your internal meter.”

Ren gave a soft grunt of acknowledgment, his hand carding through his disheveled hair. He paused for a moment as if uncomfortable and then said, “Would you… ah, leave?”

Rey frowned and began to protest before watching his eyes flick to the toilet. “Oh.”

She pushed herself off the door frame, hearing the door shut behind her. She crossed to the couch-turned-bed and sank into the cushions, pulling at the too-big pants idly. As the refresher door opened again, she looked up, suddenly feeling a jolt of nervousness run through her. “Are we going to train again?”

Ren’s tired expression turned to confusion. “At three in the morning? We were only training a few hours ago.”

Rey’s muscles ached in agreement. As much as she wanted to build back her strength and learn to fight, she knew from experience that she would only wear herself out faster. “No. Tomorrow – or I suppose later today now.”

Ren turned back to his bedroom, the shake of his head shifting his dark hair. “No. I’m heading a… training exercise with my knights.”

She crossed her arms over her chest, ignoring the sore stretch in her muscles. “I thought you said you weren’t going to let them see you fight until that shoulder is better.”

He shrugged, and Rey felt the phantom pain race through her shoulder accompanied by annoyance. “Mandatory.”

She pulled her knees to her chest, ignoring the exhausted tremble in her arms as she wrapped them around her legs. “Thought you dictated what’s mandatory. I remember some boasting to the effect that you’re ‘the Master,’” she accented her words with air quotes, “or something.”

Exasperation flooded their strange connection, and he shot her glare, a growl in his voice. “Go to sleep.” He shut his bedroom door, leaving her alone in the room.

Rey scowled at the door and stood, retrieving a juice box and something that looked like the nutrition bar Ren had given her the first night from the conservator. She leaned against the counter, unwrapping the bar as she stared at the wall. As she chewed, she concentrated on the Force, trying to feel Ren as he had taught her during their training session.

The pain in her shoulder increased as she thought about Ren. His annoyance radiated in waves, and she almost retreated from his signature in the Force until she felt a presence she had never wanted to encounter again. It tainted his mind, leeching into his thoughts just like the ink that blemished hers from the hours of lying on a cold stone floor with a twisted man over her.

And yet.

There was a sort of _block._ A turmoil, an ache that kept the contamination from consuming Ren’s mind. She studied the block as if it were a piece of valuable machinery, absorbing herself in how to push away Snoke’s influence until hands grabbed her shoulders and wrenched her out of her reverie.

Ren’s voice was modulated through his mask, hiding the exhaustion, as he snarled, “Apparently, I need to teach you boundaries since desert rats have none.”

Rey’s body seemed to freeze. Exploring the Force connection with Ren had seemed like the most natural thing in the world that she had not even realized she had invaded his mind like he had hers so long ago. “I… I didn't mean…”

Ren’s fury engulfed her system, and his grip tightened on her shoulders for one terrifying moment before he stalked to the entrance to his quarters. His boiling presence retreated from the room as she stood rooted to the spot by the counter.

* * *

 

Ren really wished he had decided to pilot one of the Starfighters.

He curled his hands into fists and closed his eyes, allowing the Force to flood his senses. The hum of the Force raced through the life of the forest planet U-Tendik as nonsentient beings went about their lives oblivious to the conflict in the stars. The dull pulses of two knights lay in wait around the only clearing on U-Tendik large enough to handle the portion of the Resistance fleet they expected to arrive. Another dull pulse in the Force sat in a Starfighter waiting to take off, and the strange beacon of power from Karis waited in another fighter. Five Knights of Ren. If their information was correct, they should be able to ambush the coming Resistance ships easily.

His shoulder throbbed in the heat, and he flexed his right hand as pain shot down his arm.

Kriff. He wished he had taken one of the Starfighter positions. He had thought with his skills he would be more useful on the ground, but the previous night’s training session with Rey – no, the scavenger girl, he told himself – had aggravated the wound. Once she had found out about the injury, she had seemed to feel sorry for him, a sentiment Ren did not appreciate. During combat, however, she had wasted no time in attacking his weakest point. It was smart, he had to admit, but he had been foolish to think he could train and go into an important assault the very next day.

He had underestimated her. Again. Despite how small the scavenger looked, how thin and malnourished she still was, she had given him a few notable bruises, which he entirely blamed on his shoulder. When that was better, he would be able to beat her in seconds with his superior strength and experience. He made a mental note to convince the medical droids to allow him a few more minutes in a bacta tank. Even if it did break, he was sure the bacta would help.

Stars, he had been foolish to tell the scavenger that he was not healed and the reason why. Knowing Snoke, he would try to pit her against him soon enough, although he would do his damned best to keep that from happening until the Resistance was finished for good.

A slight ripple in the Force pulled him out of his thoughts before he could dwell more on the young woman staying in his rooms. Three ships – no, four, five – pulled into the planet’s atmosphere. The size of the engines disturbing the atmosphere felt like a large command ship with four fighters.

“Five ships approaching.” Karis’s cold voice sounded through the comm in Ren’s ear. “Three X-Wings, a Y-wing, and something that looks like modified B-wing.” She scoffed, and Ren could practically hear her eye roll, telling all of them what she thought about a scrapped-together ship.

The Resistance was small, and Ren was confident his specialized knights could handle their ambush, but he knew the group would be desperate without the backing of the New Republic and half their own fleet destroyed. He knew from experience that desperation could make people go to drastic measures to survive. They could do this – _he_ could do this, even with his kriffing shoulder.

“Roughly a fourth of the fleet numbers we have. If this is anything but a quick battle, Leader Snoke will have our heads,” Ranos, the other knight waiting in a Starfighter, grumbled through the comm.

Ren barely heard the words as the modified B-wing drew closer to the clearing where his _Upsilon-_ class shuttle rested as bait. His heartbeat pounded in his ears.

Two individuals aboard the B-wing, their beacons of sensitivity to the Force damping everyone else around them, seemed to call to him. He cleared his throat, forcing his voice to sound stronger than he felt. He had not expected _her_ to come. “There are Force-sensitives aboard.”

The clamor of all four knights flooded the secure comm channel.

“There weren’t supposed to be Jedi.”

“We should have taken more of us.”

“This was supposed to be _easy_ , Ren.”

Ren raised a hand, even though none of the knights could see it, and ignored his trembling fingers as he inserted a note of authority in his voice. “This will still be _easy_. Have you all forgotten the protocol for dealing with Force-sensitives, or do I need to report your incompetence to Leader Snoke and find myself a new inner circle?”

The commotion stopped, and a single knight muttered, “No, Ren. We wait for your orders.”

Ren chewed the inside of his cheek, watching the B-wing and two X-wings touch the clearing ground. The Y-wing and another X-wing remained in the air, presumably as cover. “Wait for them to disembark.” He waited in silence as the B-wing’s ramp hissed open slowly. A few Resistance members walked carefully down the ramp, holding blasters at the ready. The leak to lure them to U-Tendik had reported Ren on a solitary mission to retrieve something for Snoke. The viewport of one of the grounded X-wings flipped open, and the pilot jumped out with her own blaster.

Ren pulled in a long breath through his nose. The Force crackled around him, warning of an impending confrontation. “Take out the fighter ships. Anyone in that B-wing is high command that can give us better intel than we have. Capture them and the Force-sensitives. Snoke will want them.”

Fire from the cannons of Karis’s Starfighter answered his order. The red bolts smashed into the engines of the hovering Y-wing, sending it crashing into the surrounding trees. The remaining X-wing in the air turned its ventral cannon to aim toward Karis’s Starfighter, but Ranos shot the cannon off with a bolt before hitting the viewport. The X-wing spun into a parked one, and both went up in flames. The deaths of three pilots resonated in the Force, making Ren pause as the feeling washed through him.

The Resistance members shouted and began firing wildly into the forest toward the knights’ Starfighters as they retreated to the B-wing. Ren threw out his hand, pulling the members who had already left the ship forward onto the ground with the Force. They scattered across the clearing only to look up to see two black-clad Knights in formidable helmets approaching.

Ren moved toward the shuttle, pushing back the fear of the Resistance members that vibrated through the Force. A spark of determination from a being stronger than the others drew Ren onto the ramp of the B-wing.

The Force crackled around him again, making the hairs on the back of his neck rise. He turned in time to see the blue lightsaber hum to life and swing at him. He brought his hand up, forcing the blade to obey his command of the Force and swerve away from his neck.

Ren took a step back, his own lightsaber jumping into his palm and vibrating as the blade crackled to life. Snoke’s voice castigating him for letting the man in front of him live made his mouth go dry. “FN-2187.”

The name on his lips, though the modulator, in the air made a shiver of phantom pain race through his body. Because FN-2187 stood before him now, he had watched frozen to the spot as Snoke tore through Rey’s mind, forcing him to endure the connection’s pain in silence.

Kriff.

He really should have chosen one of the Starfighters.

“That’s a Stormtrooper’s name. Name’s Finn now, and I'm a Jedi.” FN-2187’s white teeth contrasted with his dark skin as he snarled and lunged with the saber.

Ren caught the blue lightsaber with his own and wrenched them both up to lock the sparking blades. The former Stormtrooper gave him a look that could have killed him had it been a weapon. Ren could sense his hate through the Force. Good. Skywalker had not yet succeeded in shielding him from the depths of the Force. “Where’s Rey?”

Ren pulled the Force around him, shielding his emotions from the other sensitive to avoid giving anything away. Their blades unlocked as he twisted his hilt and brought it down toward FN-2187’s leg. His opponent twisted to avoid the attack, and Ren caught a small sound of pain.

The Resistance did not have access to the advanced technologies that the First Order did, especially on the backwater planets they likely were hiding on. And the last time Ren had seen FN-2187, he had been lying in blood-covered snow. A weakness to exploit just as Rey had exploited his.

He stepped back and threw his left hand out to shove FN-2187 onto his back. The blue saber – _his_ saber, by rights – tumbled out of his hand and stopped under Karis’s black boot. Ren raised his saber, hearing Snoke’s chastising voice in the back of his mind again. If he could not capture the former Stormtrooper, he would have to kill him this time.

FN-2187 rolled, pain contorting his face, and the red blade sputtered against the ground where he had lain. Ren swiped again, opening the shoulder of the man’s sleeve as he grazed him with the end of the saber.

A dark hand threw out wildly, and the lightsaber in Karis’s hand trembled. Ren knew the Nightsister well enough to know that she wore a cold smile behind her smooth helmet. She lazily flicked out a gloved hand. A sickly green orb formed from her fingertips and smashed into FN-2187’s chest. He flew across the clearing, landing with a metallic clang against the lowered ramp of the _Upsilon_ -class shuttle. Ren started toward him, spinning the lightsaber in his hand. The movement pulled at his throbbing shoulder.

“Ben.”

The other Force signature touched his senses again. He turned in time to see the sad look on his mother’s face standing in front of the smoking B-wing. Ranos stood in front of the B-wing pilots, holding a heavy, rounded blaster at their heads. Ren opened his mouth to order Leia Organa’s capture when the blaster bolt struck her square in the chest.


	8. VIII

Rey had not meant to open the door. She had learned quite a while ago that it only opened for Ren. She had walked past it to lie down on the couch and get some rest for her aching muscles. But she stared as the exit irised open in its all-too-familiar quiet whoosh, her heart pounding loudly in her chest.

Ren must have forgotten to lock it in his earlier fury.

She poked her head out in the hall, feeling tentatively out in the Force. Ren’s shadow was absent from the back of her mind, but she was sure other knights were around. She did not know how many others were sensitive to the Force or how to sense others without sensitivity.

She wondered how far she would get. If she got to a hangar, she could escape. But she did not relish the idea of Ren’s wrath if he caught her again or being locked back in that room. Or facing Snoke again.

Rey rushed to the couch and pulled out the jagged make-shift weapon. She gripped it tightly, her knuckles turning white. Leaving now meant she forfeited Ren’s teaching. But she could find out what happened to Finn, maybe return to her life on Jakku. She sucked in a deep breath and took one step toward the door. And stopped abruptly.

Leaving now meant she _forfeited_ Ren’s teaching.

Her grip on the weapon loosened, and she felt the tension in her muscles release. She should stay. Ren had allowed her out of his rooms before. If she could get him to trust her more, he would likely let her go other places eventually. She should learn as much as possible before she left. Besides, he had not yet made any moves to harm her, unlike every other knight she had met. If this was a base, guards were likely around any ships she could fly, and she would just end up in that brightly-lit room again. Or worse, in front of Snoke. 

She turned back to the couch, intending to tuck the weapon away again before the despair rushed through her in crashing waves.

A dull pain in her knees, and Rey found herself on the floor. Her jagged weapon lay a small distance away, but the pain in her chest felt as if it had gone through her skin, through her heart. She could not seem to get enough air into her lungs, and she wrapped her arms around her stomach. She dry heaved, but something wet hit her arms. Her vision blurred as she opened her eyes, and it took her a long while to realize there were tears streaming down her face.

Dear stars, her heart felt like it had broken in thousand pieces.

Her forehead rested against the floor as she sucked in heavy breaths, struggling to form a coherent thought. The rational side of her mind said there was nothing to make her feel this way, but her body shuddered, and new sobs wracked her body.

She did not know how long she stayed on the floor. Eventually, her sobs quieted down, and she just rested there, her limbs exhausted and her mind spent. The thunk of heavy boots made her lift her head.

The look on Ren’s face made everything make sense.

His shoulders rose heavily as if he was trying to hold back the tears that were already swimming in his eyes. He blinked, causing one to escape down his face and over the scar. He turned away and staggered toward the bedroom, his shoulders hunched.

Rey finally snapped out of her frozen spot and glanced at the door. The mask was on the floor, a single crack running through the top. The crossguarded lightsaber was thrown next to it along with Ren’s cowl, as if he could not bear the weight of the items any further. She made toward the bedroom, reaching a hand out to stop the door from sliding shut.

Ren had slumped onto the bed, staring at his boots on the floor.

“What happened? I felt this… despair.” She whispered the last word as he pressed a hand over his mouth to cover a sob.

He waved the hand at her in a motion for her to leave before burying his face in his hands. “Go away.”

His voice had been weak the night he had come from Snoke, but she had never heard it like that. As if it was a struggle to get a word out. She stared at him for a long moment, and he did not attempt to make her leave again. She was not sure he could. “You were on a mission.” She took a step toward him, the words flowing out of her mouth before she could figure out how she knew this. “You gave me your… _this_ so your knights wouldn’t see you.”

An ever-so-slight nod was his only answer.

Rey stepped around the mess of his room carefully, as if she was approaching a steelpecker bird on Jakku that she did not want to spook. She hovered over him, but he did not seem to notice her. She sat down slowly beside him, her hand twitching toward his arm before she pulled it away. “Something happened on the mission.”

“She’s gone.”

Had Rey not been sitting next to Ren, she would not have heard the words. But, oh, the devastation in his voice. Her heart ached for him, but she told herself that was only because of their connection. Her hand rested on his bicep. “Who?”

He turned to look at her, his eyes red and dripping tears. “My mother.”

Rey froze again, her eyes on his tormented face. For a split second, she wondered if he had killed her like he had his father, but no, that could not be true. He would not be this upset, this broken.

He was not a monster.

“Oh, Kylo.”

And before she realized what was happening, she had pulled his head onto her shoulder. His big frame felt small as it shook with his sobs. Her thin Jakku wrap grew wet from his tears, but she held him close, offering him the comfort that she had not been given when her own family had gone away.

* * *

 

Rey sipped water from the small cup as she stared at the closed refresher door, listening for signs that Ren had fallen in the shower. It had taken a while for his body to run out of tears, but she could still feel his grief in the back of her mind. She had not pressed him for what had happened, but now that he was not breaking down on her shoulder, she wanted to know. Had Snoke sent him to kill his own mother? Or  had something gone wrong? It was possible she had just died, and Ren had felt it in the Force.

It occurred to her that if Han Solo had been his father, then Princess Leia Organa was his mother. A pang of sorrow that was uniquely her own ran through her. Organa was a hero in the stories she had grown up hearing in both the Niima Outpost and the little holovids of information she had gleaned from the wreckage of Empire ships. A part of her childhood that she still clung to was gone. 

A knock made her jump, and her head whipped around to the door. The pale woman with gray markings on her face stepped in before the door had completely irised open. Dark black robes made her slight body look a little bigger, but she did not need it for the aura of power that surrounded her made her seem huge.

Rey’s heart skipped a beat. This woman was not Ren. She could harm her. She could harm _Ren_ if she knew the state of him, if she could smell his weakness. She did not doubt that the Knights of Ren would cast one another aside for weakness.

Cold, silver eyes fell on hers. “Hm. Ren lets his pet sit on the furniture.”

Hot anger thawed the freeze in Rey’s veins. She stood, clutching her cup of water tightly. “I’m not a pet.”

A white-blonde eyebrow rose, and her cold voice sounded bored. “The pet has a growl.”

Rey took a step back, hoping the body language would convince the woman she was backing off when she was actually getting close to her little weapon.

The woman pulled off black gloves casually, glancing around the room. “Where’s Ren? Not asleep already?”

Rey tightened her grip on the cup. Something inside her wanted Ren far away from the woman. She jerked her head toward the refresher door.

The woman’s eyes rolled, and she leaned against the counter in the kitchen area. “Primping his ridiculous hair, no doubt.”

Rey slowly sank back down, her heart racing in her chest. The sound of Ren’s shower continued through the heavy silence in the main room. She reached out with the Force and pulled on the shadow of Ren in the back of her mind. He had not fallen, much to her relief, but she wondered if he was trying to drown in the shower.

She tried to warn him. To send him the feeling of the woman’s power, of the danger she represented. She felt him latch onto the connection like he had physically held on to her in his bedroom. She thought hard, feeling a little ridiculous for believing that Ren would be able to see the woman in the room through the connection. 

And then.

_I know._

The sound of his voice in her head, as if it were her own talking with herself, shocked her so much she dropped the cup.

The woman snorted scornfully. “That’s why pets shouldn’t be allowed on the furniture.”

_I told you. The Force is only limited by the imagination. And so it seems our connection lets us talk._

Rey tried not to let her face betray anything more to the woman. _There’s someone here._

 _Yes. Karis._ A pause, and she could practically see Ren struggling with his emotions before another wave of grief washed over her. _I – I can’t deal with her right now._

 _You’re going to have to._ He did not respond, and Rey tried not make an irritated groan. _You’re hiding._

The woman, Karis, sighed and stalked to the refresher door, banging her fist on it. “Stop primping and get out here, Ren. Snoke wants a briefing.”

 _Not now._ There was a pause until Ren’s voice, low and harsh, came out loud. “Give me a minute, Karis.”

“You know he doesn’t like to be kept waiting.” She sniffed and kicked the door. “And neither do I.”

Rey gave the woman a look and thought, _I can see why you’re hiding._

“Some of us were actually in the field and not in a cushy Starfighter.” Ren’s voice turned into a growl. “I. Need. A. Minute.”

Karis’s eyes narrowed, but she moved away from the door. “Two minutes, Ren.”

 _Distract her._ He paused as if it was hard to even think his next words. _I have to pull myself together._

Rey hesitated, looking up at Karis as the woman began pacing the room. _You can’t get out of talking with…_ him _?_

_No._

Rey again wondered why Ren would follow such an insistent, intolerable master, but quickly pulled herself back on track. _Let me take it again._

_What?_

_Your… emotions. Do what you did earlier._

She could sense his hesitation. _Why would you let that happen?_

 _If Snoke senses this, he’ll do_ that _to you again. And we’ll both be sick. And miserable. Give me your emotions._

And almost as if she had stepped in front of a sand dune during a storm, the grief smashed into her. She pressed a hand to her mouth, stifling an involuntary noise. _You owe me for this._

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Karis stared her down, her pale face set in hard lines. “Do you just cry? Didn’t think Ren was one for the weeping ones.”

Rey pressed her hand over her stomach and mustered her best glare. “No. And I don’t belong to him.” She was proud that her voice did not waver, and she gave the woman a small smirk. “But I _am_ excited to see how he reacts to you just barging into his personal rooms. He’s a rather touchy about that.”

Karis returned the glare and took a step toward Rey, her pale hands curling into fists. Rey was sure she was going to throw a punch, but the refresher door finally opened. Ren pushed damp hair out of his face and stalked toward the door without a glance at either of them.

 _You_ really _owe me for this._

_I know._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah. I know. It’s been a while. Life kind of caught up with me for a while, but a huge shout out to Swoosh09 on FF.net for leaving a lovely review and finally sparking the muse again. Thank you so much for reading!


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